I had a physical this morning. Apart from it being the first time i'd had my balls fondled by a man in at least 8 hours, it was a lot like every other trip i've taken to the doctor.
As part of the physical, i had some blood tests run, which involved me going to a lab where they drew the blood. As i got directions to this lab, the nurse/receptionist asked me, "Are you fasting?"
"Uh, no."
"Ok, before you get the blood drawn, you have to avoid eating or drinking anything for 12 hours."
And so, my laziness and forgetfulness paid off for once -- i "fasted" this morning by forgetting to grab the glass of Cran-Grape juice i was going to drink, and so got to go get my blood drawn immediately after the appointment.
During the interview phase of the examination, the doctor asked me about risk factors:
"Any drugs? Cocaine or anything?"
"No."
"Share needles?"
"No."
"Share straws?"
"N-- what? What kind of straws?"
"Cocaine straws."
"Oh. No. I was wondering if you were asking about, like, soda straws, cuz i've probably shared those."
I've never even heard of a "coke straw", but i guess you have to call it something (when it's not a $100 bill or whatever).
The doctor also suffered from a global find and replace error, where i mentioned that i had done the California AIDS Ride a couple years ago, and he proceeded to tell me a story about a patient of his who did "The HIV Ride".
He told me a lot of stories about patients, including one about a guy who went to a sex party, and then came in to get checked out, and the doctor wanted to swab the inside of his penis with a q-tip (cuz that's what you do, i have gathered, and was very excited to not have to find out exactly what that feels like), and the guy said, "That won't be necessary," and revealed that some kind of discharge had run out of his penis and all down his leg.
The doctor also swore and asked about my "nuts", instead of about my "testicles". I liked his bedside manner, though, and it evidently lowered my blood pressure about 8 points.