Someone who has met me for more than five minutes is rarely surprised to discover that i don't get laid very often. So how is it that i just walked out of Safeway carrying, among other things, a 36-pack of Lifestyles condoms (ultra sensitive, lubricated)?
When i entered Safeway, my shopping list consisted of: contact lens solution, peanut butter, jelly, bagels. But my path to the lens juice fortuitously took me past the condom section. I've been out of condoms for a while, but as with cleaning supplies, cupcake wrappers, and other things i never use, i never think to buy them while i'm at the store.
I investigated the small display for a while, scanning prices and promises of heightened pleasure, looking for the right box of condoms for me. Lamb skin? Nope. Magnum-sized? Certainly not. But then, hidden behind a standalone display of disposable razors lay the Lifestyles 36-pack, and it was only 79 cents more than all the 8-packs!. Value conscious bum that i am, i could hardly resist.
As i continued on my hunt for multi-purpose no-rub lens solution, i began to wonder: who is the 36-pack of condoms for? 36 condoms accounts for more than one month of daily fucking. Even if my hypothetical boyfriend and i were to take turns in each other's orifices, we would still be covered for more than two and a half straight weeks. Still, at this price, i'll go ahead and make spermicide-coated, lubricated water balloons if it comes down to it.
Only after i got home did i learn that Lifestyles condoms are special because they can help me get to "The Pleasure Zone". The Pleasure Zone, it turns out, lies in the middle of a Venn diagram, at the intersection of Fun, Comfort, and Sensitivity. The fine people at Lifestyles seem to have left out the colored circle for Another Entity; I am still working with the fine people of The Internet to shade in that circle.
Lens juice obtained and fresh kaiser rolls procured in lieu of a paltry selection of stale bagels, i concentrated on finding the peanut butter and jelly.
Someone who has met me for more than five minutes would probably be more surprised if i disclosed my insane love for cereal, if only because it's a strange thing to mention to a new acquaintance. So on my first pass through the store, i deliberately avoided the breakfast aisle, much as a dieter might avoid Carl's Jr, or as a former pothead might avoid The Netherlands. But the fucking peanut butter and jelly were right smack in the middle of the cereal aisle! I had no choice but to go in.
In spite of Safeway's cunning attempt to get me to buy even more breakfast food, i was determined to escape with no further cereal purchasing. My refrigerator is already topped with open boxes of Golden Grahams, Cocoa Puffs, and Lucky Charms. I don't need any more cereal. But really, am i supposed to just look the other way when Honey Nut Chex is $2 a box and Apple Jacks are BOGOF[1]? Even if my mind had been willing, my flesh was horribly weak, and i found myself reaching for these sale items almost before i even realized it.
On the upside, this surfeit of prophylactics and sugary morning food makes me feel like i can take whatever life dishes out. Things can only be so bad as long as you can copulate safely with multiple anonymous partners and can feed them all breakfast before sending them on their way.
[1] "Buy One Get One Free", for the sadly, sadly uninitiated.